My First Trimester

As I sit here embroidering this evening, I have to keep stopping every few minutes to let a few tears of awe escape. As I stitch each flower until my empty canvas blossoms, I have to praise the Lord for the same thing that He is doing right this instant. As I type this, an entire human is being formed inside my body, stitched from a blank canvas. I don't have to remind my body to make two eyes and form five fingers on each hand, thank goodness - because it is God's handiwork. To think He is making my perfect baby inside of my body is something I cannot wrap my head around! It's beautiful. It's awe inspiring. It's weird.

My first trimester has come to a close. I have journaled and taken pictures, to one day share with baby. For now, I'll share with you!

I found out I was pregnant on Father's Day. Could that be more perfect?! I did not think one bit that the pregnancy test would be positive. I had taken one two weeks before and it was negative. I was just thinking, "Well if I am, today would be such a sweet day to find out!" The second I took the test, the line showed up. I was SHOCKED to say in the least. So was Stephen! We did it! It worked! Baby was just shy of 4 weeks when I took that test.

We immediately started planning a trip home to tell our families in person. I threw my friends off by sending a random text: "What if I just come home and have dinner with the girls for my birthday?" They said, "Yes! Now you have to!" I then told my parents I had to come celebrate my sister's big 30th birthday in person (perfect timing to actually get to do that too.) Just like that, the groundwork was laid to share our surprise without too much suspicion! I second guessed this plan a million times. I felt so bad that we were waiting until the end of my first trimester to tell our families, but we wanted to tell them in person, so of course we wanted an ultrasound, but July is very busy at work for Stephen, then my dad was out of town; so it just kind of snowballed into not being able to tell them until I was 12 weeks. I just hoped and prayed that the joy of being face to face and getting to hug each other would outweigh the "What the heck!!! How far along are you?!" I know that it is common to wait until after the first trimester to tell people you are pregnant, but this was seriously so hard. I probably would have blabbed it to everyone the week we found out if we didn't have to wait until we could drive thirteen hours to tell our families first!

The anticipation that built up after two months of keeping it a secret, was almost too much to handle. I was on the verge of bursting at the seams at any given moment! In August we finally got to travel home "to celebrate my birthday and my sister's 30th birthday." We planned a big cookout with both sides of our families, made sure all the siblings could come, and I had our ultrasound tucked into my back pocket. I told my sister separately that morning, and then told my best friend so she could help me capture everything on video! We gathered all of the family together for a picture, made sure I was next to my parents, and when my friend went to take the photo (video), Stephen and I said, "Everyone say, 'Krisi's pregnant!'" The moment was everything I dreamed of. Everyone was incredibly shocked. It was so much fun, full of so much excitement, and I'm so happy we got to share the news in person and squeeze each other tight! We then got to spend the next week with our families catching up and daydreaming about February.

On my side of the family, this is the first grandbaby. On Stephen's side of the family, His sister, his sister in law, and me are all pregnant at the same time and due within weeks of each other. With Stephen and I living 13 hours away while all of this joy is happening, of course there is room and validation for some negative feelings to creep in. Sadness that our baby will be long distance from so many loving grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I could choose to dwell on it and I could choose to be saddened by it, and I'm sure some moments will be harder than others; but ultimately, I have peace with Stephen and I being in Oklahoma. I know God has led us here for a reason, and I know he will provide what we need- whether that be physically or emotionally.

I knew I would be moving to Oklahoma for about a year, before I actually moved. In that year, I prayed the same prayer every single day. "Lord, I trust you. I am following you blindly, knowing that you only have the best in store for me. As I say yes to your plan, and leave my friends and family behind, I ask that you will bring me new friends who feel like family. Lord, bring me friends like sisters, friends like brothers, mentors like parents." I prayed this every single day. It didn't happen the first month I lived here. It didn't even happen in the first six months I lived here. But when I look around now, I have best friends who are close like sisters, who I can talk to about anything and everything. Who cry with me when I'm sad and bring me soup and fresh bread when I'm sick. I have friends like brothers who are happy for me when things are going well. I have mentors like parents who love me and offer sound advice and prayer. One of the best things about God is that He is who He says He is. He is trustworthy. He is a provider. He cares deeply for us. He desires to give us our desires. Of course I would love to live by our families and get to share these milestones in person, but I'm also deeply grateful for how God has provided for us here.

My first trimester was HARD. I had prayed for a healthy and happy pregnancy but week 6 I was hit out of nowhere with 24/7 nausea.  Plus of course, actually throwing up. I woke up nauseous and went to bed nauseous for 5 weeks but it felt like an eternity. Then it went away over night. The sky was blue again, the grass was green, the birds were singing. I felt alive again. For one week. Then we took our trip home and I caught a nasty cold that I still cannot get rid of.

The past three months, my sweet sweet husband has been an absolute angel. He has been so helpful and kind and I am so deeply grateful for him! He keeps the house clean, looks up and orders things he think will help me feel better, makes fresh juices for me, loves talking to the baby already, and most sacrificially: he rubs my back while I throw up, he has even scooped my throw up out of a sink.... there is no greater love than that which will clean up your vomit! He is my rock and I have no idea how any woman does any part of this alone.

This year, one thing that was really hard for me throughout trying to conceive (TTC) and being in the early days of pregnancy was not wishing away my days. When TTC, it is so hard to stay in the moment and not just wish away the weeks in between when you can try and when you can test. I had to constantly remind myself to slow down and enjoy time with just us two and where life was in that moment. I kept telling myself we would never have this time of just us two again- soak it in!! Once we did get pregnant and I felt like absolute crap 24/7 it was so difficult not to cling to the hope of the second trimester. I had to be very intentional about having gratitude and joy about growing a healthy baby, and not trying to hurry that time away. Being in the moment can be so hard!

One thing I'm proud of is still making it on every evening family walk even through the roughest and toughest of days! Those are really good for me. I'm also really proud of the fact that I kept my sourdough starter alive! I was a little worried because all of my sourdough friends who have been pregnant did not make it out the other side with their sourdough. One because of pregnancy nose and two because of a lack of energy. But Martha is still alive on my counter! Every week I have made something to represent how big baby is:

As you're reading this, I'm 14 weeks and 4 days. My baby is the size of a naval orange! They are currently 3.5 inches long and weigh 2 ounces. We find out the gender at the end of September! Of course I want a girl and Stephen wants a boy, but truly we both don't really care what the result is, we are just so excited to find out!

My due date is February 24th! Which also happens to be the birthday of my above mentioned best friend who took the reaction video for us! I've lived in Oklahoma for almost a year and a half now, and have found that I LOVE winter. The thought that the height of my pregnancy will be throughout winter makes me feel so much warm fuzzy joy. Hot soups, chilis, pot pies. Baking warm homemade bread by candle light while watching the snow fall. Cold cozy weekends reading on the couch. Not to mention being comfy in a crewneck and leggings without sweating. It sounds so delightful, AND it's the month dedicated to love and all things pink! (Could be perfect for a baby girl!) I would say "I couldn't have planned it better," but let's be honest, I actually did plan for February.

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For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to be a mom. It's my dream job. I'm not worried one bit about losing myself in motherhood, I have a feeling I'll find what I've always been waiting for.

Thank you for reading this blog. I love you and I can't wait to keep you updated on all things baby! This is the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me. Like even more exciting than graduating college after seven years.

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Psalm 139: 13-16

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."